Adventures In Gimli's Beard!
by LilStripedTomato
Summary: The long awaited sequel to the Cheesy Game Show, WHAT'S IN GIMLI'S BEARD? Fourth chapter now up, finally! Hope you all enjoy! And as always, please review!
1. The Wheel Of Hair never lies!

_Author's Note: Hi there! Lil here! Last day of classes today, huzzah! (everyone rejoices with Lil, yay!) Finally, a break! This, in case you did not know, is the sequel to the Cheesy Game Show, WHAT'S IN GIMLI'S BEARD? If you have not read that yet, go do so or this won't make sense. (not like it makes sense anyway, but still!) I hope you enjoy, and go read my other fics! I have 2 new ones, Little Red Hermione Hood, a funny Harry Potter songfic, and All I Want For Christmas, a cute and mushy Walker, Texas Ranger fic, yay! And please review, I like reviews! Now to thank all who reviewed chapter 7 of the last one..._ Nenloth Greenleaf _(thanks, you and your brother are most welcome, you guys rock! and yeah, people are so lazy nowadays!), _Wolfwoman357 _(thanks as always, and hope you get some snow!), and _Stephanyey_ (thanks a lot, I picture everything in my mind as I write, very humorous!). A big THANK YOU to all 3 of you! Wait a minute, only 3 reviews? That can't be right! You people need to review, they make my day cheerful! OK, ALL OF YOU NEED TO REVIEW OR SUFFER THE HORRIBLE WRATH OF THE CURSE OF CHRISTMAS FRUITCAKE! (go read that story too, by the way!) Oh, and I won't be able to update until I'm back from my mom's, so sorry! I leave Saturday and come back like the first weekend of January. Hope you all have a lovely winter break, and a Happy Christmas if you celebrate it! I will be happy if I get reviews, yay! That can be your present to me-smiles hopefully at readers- Oh, and in case anyone is interested, I wrote down lots of people's names and pulled three of them out of my fuzzy blue hat, and that is who gets to go in! I even put in random people like Treebeard, Denethor, and Elrond, just to spice things up a bit! Enjoy!_

_Disclaimer: I sadly own nothing, just my red teddy bear, Larry, for whom the Lair of Love was named after, lol! I don't even have any more fruitcake, sad! Care to send me some, Wolf?_

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**Adventures In Gimli's Beard!  
**A Rescue Mission for Gandalf

Chapter 1

Our camera zooms in on our favorite Cheesy Game Show Set, where an argument is taking place. "The Wheel of Hair never lies!", Merry the Host says defensively. "But surely you must be mistaken!", says an extremely angered elf, "There's no way I'm gonna go in there!" "Yes," agrees an equally angered man, "How can it pick me if I'm not even a contestant? I was just in the audience!" "The Wheel of Hair makes no mistakes!", yells Merry, "Now do not question it, for it knows all! And don't call me Shirley!"

All of the contestants' pictures had been placed on the Wheel of Hair, and it was spun to decide who would have to venture into the gruesome, dangerous, and not very pleasant beard of Gimli to rescue poor old Gandalf, who had suffered an unfortunate Cheesy Game Show accident and is now trapped in the fearsome fur! The all-knowing Wheel of Hair had deemed three people, err, things fit to form the search and rescue party. This group was made up of Legolas of Mirkwood, Eomer of Rohan, and Smeagol of the creepy mountain where he lives.

The first two chosen do not seem to pleased, but Smeagol doesn't seem to mind. In fact, he seems quite happy! Perhaps he hopes he can find his loincloth, or a new one, down in the beard, or maybe a new pet to replace poor, eaten, dead George. Whatever the reason, he isn't complaining as he happily stuffs his bag with cans of Kibbleshnitzel. Unfortunate Eomer was not even supposed to be an option, he was just a mere member of the audience, but somehow the Wheel has picked him. And for the first time anyone can remember, non-expressionable Legolas is actually showing emotion! A look of pure terror is pasted across his face!

These are the three chosen to venture forth into the unknown wilds of Gimli's beard, and they are Gandalf's only hope of being saved! I wouldn't hold my breath if I were him! They are now getting ready for their hazardous journey into the unknown! The group has been given a video camera so that we here at home can actually see, for the first time ever, exactly what it is like inside the massive quantity of hair, how exciting! Eomer takes responsibility for the camera, as he is the only one who knows how to use it.

Each of our heroes will be going into there for the first time today, and none of them know quite what to expect. Fortunately, they have been given special protective gear to ensure their safety! They have football helmets which support the Bay City Skunks, snorkels, gas masks, rubber gloves, a lemon, swimming flippers, and protective construction goggles. The only things they are wearing are the football helmet, gloves, and goggles. The rest of the gear is stored safely in their bags.

Eomer, being the only one in the group with any common sense, ties the end of a long rope around Gimli's large nose, so that when they dive in they will be able to climb back up, how clever! He is being the brave one and volunteering to go in first. On the diving board, though, he realizes a problem.

"Wait a minute!", he says to Cheesy Game Show Host Merry, "We don't know how far the drop is, what's to stop us from being squished into jelly when we hit the bottom?" "Oh, right!", says Merry, "I almost forgot! Here, take these!" The hobbit hands him a pillow and a pair of springs, which had materialized out of nowhere. At the man's questioning look, he explains, "You put the springs on your shoes, and then you tie the pillow to your bum! That way you won't get hurt when you land!" Eomer does so, and then most courageously jumps, still clutching the rope fastened to his furry friend's sleeping face!

When he disappears into the horrific hair, Smeagol climbs the ladder next. He has no shoes, so he attaches the springs to his feet with some bubble gum. After duct-taping the pillow to his barrel, as it would not stay on when tied, he walks to the edge. Then he, too, takes a dive into the festering facial hair! Now there is only one more brave soldier left to go!

Legolas is the last one remaining. The stubborn elf refuses to budge, and Aragorn and Boromir must now forcibly drag him to the stage and carry him up the ladder to the platform! Once they let go, he tries to run but they won't let him pass, so he resorts to clinging to the diving board like a cat to a tree limb, hanging on for dear life! "Come on, Legolas," Aragorn says to him, "Be a man! Just jump!" "I'm not a man, I'm an elf!", he reminds the men, "And I'm not going! It's scary and smelly! Why don't you go, Aragorn? You'd fit right in!"

This angers the man and, with some help from Boromir and a crowbar, he proceeds to pry the petrified elf from the perilous platform. Poor Legolas screams as he falls, but soon his cries of terror are muffled by the beard into which he tumbles. "Poor guy.", says the Ranger. "Indeed!", agrees Boromir, "He forgot the pillow and springs!"

"Well now," says Merry the Host, "Isn't this exciting? A rescue mission! We have to go watch a commercial now, but this will be the last one, as from now on we will be seeing everything from the camcorder that Eomer has! We'll be right back, from inside Gimli's beard!" The camera fades from his very nervous and not-at-all-Gameshow-Host-like smile and goes to our final commercial.

**A Final Farewell To Our Beloved Cheesy Commercials!**

The camera is now focused on a scary bald man wearing a suit that is even cheesier that Merry's Cheesy Game Show Host suit! He is standing in front of a red background with pink hearts all around, and a neon sign above his head flashes 'Lair of Love', and is reflected in his shiny scalp. He smiles cheesily and says, "Hey there, everyone! Are you a Middle-Earth creature looking for love? If you want help finding that special someone, or something, look no further! Do you have trouble getting dates because of your busy schedule or the fact that you have the manners of a sheep that is not a very polite sheep? If you would like us to help you to find your one true love so that you can live happily ever after, then you need to go elsewhere! However, if you would like us to randomly pull the name of an unknown creature out of a hat and send you on a date with them, then you've come to the right place!

Here at Larry's Lair of Love, we use a special and highly technological hat-and-name-pulling technique to choose the mate of your dreams! To have us draw you a name to find that special someone for you, just send us a letter with your name, address, species, interests, creature preference, and a recent photo! Or you can just stop by and fill out a form at our office! We're happy to help you poor, loveless slobs out there who couldn't tell romance from applesauce if it came up and bit you on the rear! Speaking of poor, loveless slobs, we are also happy to sponsor the Cheesy Game Show, WHAT'S IN GIMLI'S BEARD! Come on down to Larry's Lair of Love today and let us help you find the creature of your dreams, or nightmares, now!"

The man's shiny head blinds us for a moment, then the camera leaves him, thankfully. This time we go, not to our favorite Cheesy Game Show Set, but to the videocamera held by Eomer who is _gasp! _inside Gimli's beard of doom!


	2. Off they go, Into the Wild Beard Yonder!

_Author's Note: Hi there! Lil here! Hope you all are having a nice Winter Break! And I hope you have a nice New Year, I still haven't made my resolutions, darn it! Alas, I'll probably get around to it next year. Anywho, I have begun a new story that is an old story, and it is actually the first one I ever wrote, but it isn't because I had to rewrite it. Go read it, it's called_ Love Potion Number 9_, and it's a very funny Snape fic! I already have a review, yay! I have just put the first 2 chapters up today, but more will be posted soon as I rewrite it. I would like to thank my lovely reviewers, yay! I wish there were more, but the ones I have are all very nice and I love them! You all get a cookie, yay for you! I would like to say THANKS to: _Wolfwoman357_ (as always, thanks. And I wouldn't go in there even if they did pay me a lot of dough, lol!),_ Nenloth Greenleaf_ (I will miss the commercials too, alas! I thought they were the best part! But I was running out of ideas. Maybe I'll bring them back someday!),_ Avalon Estel_ (glad you liked it! And I like Larry's Lair of Love, what's wrong with it? Lol, besides the obvious!), and_ Blue Autumn Sky_ (thanks for the idea! I was gonna have Smeagol find George's twin or something, not quite sure yet, but now it will be Frank, yay! But he won't be dead! Maybe they'll go to the GAP of Rohan, I haven't decided if he gets a new one or not, I'm so mean!) Thanks to all of those nice people! Please be a nice person and review!_

_Disclaimer: I own nothing, nothing I tell you! I did not steal them, I promise! No… don't look in the hall closet, officer! Umm, how'd those guys get in there? Don't believe a word they say, especially the one with the pointy ears!

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**Adventures In Gimli's Beard!  
**A Rescue Mission For Gandalf

Chapter 2

We return from the last commercial and our camera comes on inside the mass of tangles and braids that is the beard of Gimli. Eomer is the one holding the camera, so we see what he sees, which is not much seeing as how it is quite dark. There is a click, and a beam of light comes on, revealing slimy-looking, cavern-like walls. A glance up shows the rope dangling down from the top of the horrendous hair, though we cannot tell how far up it goes. It must have been a long drop for the poor man!

All of a sudden there is a high-pitched '_EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!'_ It is getting louder, how curious! This screeching noise is followed by a '_sproing!'_, and then a '_thud'_. The camera turns around and we see that it was Smeagol making all the commotion! He is standing now and taking off his football helmet to replace it with a cute little miner's flashlight hat. "That was a big drop, precious!", he says to Eomer, who nods. "We is lucky to haves the bouncy springs!" He then peels the bubble gum off of his feet and puts his springs in his bag. The pillow stays on, probably because he can't get the duct tape off of his barrel.

"I wonder what happened to-", Eomer starts to say, but is cut off by another scream. "-Legolas.", he finishes. The camera looks up just in time to get a glimpse of the aforementioned elf before he comes plummeting down and crashes with a much louder than before _'thud'_! "Are you all right?", Eomer asks. He gets a groan in reply. "Poor elfses!", comments Smeagol, "He didn't even haves a pillow, precious!"

Legolas sits up and shakes his head to clear it, then looks at his two companions. "Oh," he says, "Where am I?" "We is in the dwarfses ugly beard, precious!" is the answer he gets, but apparently not one he really wanted to hear. A quick look at his surroundings and a nod from Eomer confirm his deepest fears, and the elf lets out another hysterical scream.

"Get a hold of yourself!", yells the man, slapping his frantically frightened friend to calm him down. "Come on!", he tells his teammates, "We have to get going! Remember that Gandalf is down here, and he needs us!" This calmed Legolas down a bit, or maybe it was being slapped repeatedly. Either way, he at least stopped screaming, which was good. He takes off his helmet and grabs his pack, which he had dropped in his terror. The troop is now ready to begin their search! If only one of them had remembered to pack some brains!

They all begin their way down the dark and dangerous path, looking rather nervous, especially the elf. "Maybe we should call for Gandalf.", he suggests. "NO!", says Smeagol, "We don't knows what sorts of thingses lurks in here!" "Right!", added Eomer, "We wouldn't want to draw unfriendly attention to ourselves."

So the trio trudges, continuing quietly, looking for any signs that would indicate that their lost companion had passed this way. Soon Legolas sees a problem, the rope that Eomer had brought to climb back out was running out. The elf is worried that they won't be able to find their way back, especially in the dark! If they don't have a way to mark their paths, they could be lost forever, spending eternity wandering around Gimli's grimy beard!

He points out this dilemma, but Eomer, being a man, says, "Never fear! I have a very keen sense of direction! I never get lost! I'll be able to find our way back, even in the dark!"

This does not convince his companion, so Legolas has the idea to leave a trail of bread crumbs to follow back, how intelligent!

Our heroes continue to walk for awhile, seeing many strange and unusual items in the hair, but not as much as they had expected. Their theory is that since they are so far down, there is not as much as there would be higher up because most lost things stay in the upper layers of the beard and don't fall so far inside.

Soon they realize that something is not right. They begin to hear strange noises, and even rustling sounds, as if something was moving about in the hair! Legolas turns around to find-_gasp-_ all of the bread crumbs marking the trail are missing! "We has no way to finds the exit now!", Smeagol wails, "We is lost in the smelly beardses forever, precious!" This makes Legolas terrified again as well. Of course they were not lost, it was stupid to mark the trail in the first place seeing as how so far they had only walked in one direction, and not even that far, but still, there was panic!

"Calm down.", says Eomer, "I'm sure it was just some furry little ducky or something that was hungry. Don't worry about it, I can find our way back when it comes time to leave! Remember, I'm a man!" This calms the other two down a bit, until Legolas infers something, and it's not that duckies aren't furry.

"Hang on!", he says, frightened, "What if the thing that ate our bread isn't a furry little ducky? What if it's bigger, and still hungry?" "What gives you that idea?", Eomer inquires. "Because," Legolas answers, "I think I hear it coming!"

Indeed, now we hear crashing noises in the hair, and loud grunts. Something _is_ coming towards our heroes, but what? It sounds rather large and angry!

Is it a furry ducky?

Is it Gandalf?

Is it a crumple-horned snorkack?

Find out next time in… dun dun da dun… **Adventures In Gimli's Beard!**


	3. Kibbleshnitzel, not just for Wargs!

_Author's Note: Hi there! Lil here! How are you guys? I am just peachy! I don't start classes again until Monday, so I figured that since after that point in time I would again be extremely busy, I would update again! Thanks to all of my lovely reviewers, as always! You guys rock! Sorry I took so long to get the last chapter up, I was at my mom's house and did not bring my notebook with me. Alas! Also, sorry to disappoint you but no crumple-horned snorkacks here, though I wish I could see one!A Big THANK YOUto: _Erulasse_ (yes, alas, no more Cheesy Commercials. I, too, am deeply saddened. But they're so darn hard to find an inspiration for! I can't tell you if Gimli wakes up, I'd be giving up secret information that even I do not yet know! You'll just have to wait and see.),_ Blue Autumn Sky_ (yes, Frank will get a good home. And you will not believe how they find him! Just wait until chapter 9, it's hysterical!),_ Avalon Estel_ (thank you, I rather liked the ending myself! I'm glad you liked it, and sorry I took so long!) I hope you all like this chapter. As always, please review! Oh, and go check out my other story which I am also updating today,_ Love Potion Number 9_, it's about Snape and how someone plays a very clever prank on him. Now all the females in school are infatuated, and he must try to escape with his life, with help from Lupin! Very amusing! Anywho, on with the story!_

_Disclaimer: I own a large glass of hot tea and milk that may or may not contain way too much sugar. This sugar that may or may not be way to much does not make me hyper in any way, shape, or form. It will not cause me to go and kidnap the characters in this story. At least, I don't think it will…

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**Adventures In Gimli's Beard!  
**A Rescue Mission For Gandalf

Chapter 3

Our heroes listen carefully and hear heavy footsteps and strange grunting noises surrounding them, and getting closer! They huddle together and look around frantically for the source of the scary sounds, but to no avail. Eomer and Legolas arm themselves and prepare for a battle and Smeagol, being unarmed, hides in his barrel. The noises get louder and louder until finally… a group of orcs jump out of the hair in front of the group!

Legolas sighs in relief, after all, he's not scared of mere orcs! He was expecting something scary and beard-like! He and Eomer raise their weapons, getting ready to attack if need be. "Wait!", cries one of the orcs, "We don't want to fight! We just heard you walkin' around and came to see if you had any food! We saw the breadcrumbs earlier and ate them, but we're still hungry!" "Yeah!", agrees another orc, "We're starvin'! We ain't had nothin' but maggoty beard for three stinkin' days!"

How sad! These poor, unsuspecting orcs must have fallen into the beard during their last battle and the unfortunate fellows have been wandering around in circles, lost and so hungry they've been forced to try and eat the beard! That's terrible!

Our group feels very sorry for them and Smeagol gladly shares his Kibbleshnitzel with them, it's not just for wargs, you know! The band of orcs are extremely grateful for the food and they tell the group that they saw an elderly man go by earlier with a younger chap. Eomer tells them how to find the rope and instruct them to climb it to get out of the horrifying hair. The orcs thank the three again and then are off on their merry way to sweet freedom!

"They saw Gandalf!", says Legolas, "We're on the right track! That means we can leave soon!" "But who was the other guy with him?", Eomer wonders. Smeagol shrugs, then yawns. "Is it time to stop yet, precious?", he asks them, "We is hungry and sleepy!" Eomer looks at his watch, which glows in the dark, and says, "It _is_ getting late, I suppose we should make camp for the night."

They set up their camp and get out their blankets when they realize that they have no firewood. Upon investigating the hair, they find out that it is non-flammable, interesting, but of no use to them. They needed something to burn, and decide to use Smeagol's barrel. Don't worry, we won't have Smeagol running around starkers! That would be indecent, not to mention disgusting! Eomer gives him a red skirt with white polka-dots on it that he found in the beard and Smeagol gives them the barrel, although reluctantly. He says the color of the skirt doesn't go very well with his skin tones, but it's better than being in his birthday suit.

Our happy campers get a nice and cheery little fire going, hooray! The happy flames make the environment a little less spooky, except for the extremely spooky shadows it casts. The man and elf cook yummy veggie-bacon and tomatoes over the fire so they can make sandwiches while Smeagol happily eats a large bowl of liver-flavored Kibbleshnitzel, which there is still plenty of, even after sharing with the orcs. He has a never-ending supply, apparently.

After everyone is fed and happy, Smeagol and Eomer get ready to go to bed, leaving Legolas to stay up and keep watch because he does not need to sleep. We can tell that the poor elf is terrified at the thought of being left alone in the beard, but he bravely agrees to stand guard, how valiant! Since Eomer the cameraman is retiring for the night, he leaves the camera running and sets it on top of his bag by the fire to document any nocturnal events that may happen.

With his fellow rescuers sleeping soundly, Legolas now becomes very paranoid, even more so than usual. He jumps at every small noise and aims his arrows at every flickering shadow. We find this quite amusing. Finally after a while he starts to relax. Sure, this is the very least possible place on Middle-Earth he would ever want to be, but nothing particularly scary is happening just now. The elf is just starting to hum a happy tune to drown out his companions' snoring when there is a creepy rustling noise nearby! Soon there are footsteps coming towards the camp!

Our brave watchman draws an arrow from his quiver and takes aim at what he thinks is the source of the noise, but it keeps changing directions, as if it doesn't quite know where it's going. Either that or it's very drunk. The noise is coming closer, and the elf prepares to defend himself when all at once the noise stops! He stays still for a long time, listening, but the sound doesn't return. Legolas puts his bow and arrow back and turns his back to the fire, still keeping a watchful eye in case the unknown something decides to come back.

All is peaceful, when a figure suddenly dashes out of the hair and into the camp! It is frightening, with strange, wild hair, gleaming teeth, and insane eyes! The elf spins around to face the creature and says, "Who are you?" The thing runs towards him and, before he can draw a knife, knocks him to the ground. It is surprisingly strong for such a scrawny thing, and it begins to strangle poor Legolas! "What do you want?", he gasps out, trying to get away.

The dark figure answers with one word… "RUM!"


	4. Put him in the longboat 'til he's sober,...

_Author's Note: Hi there! Lil here! Sorry it's taken me so long to update, I've got bad news. My uncle Lacy's got cancer and he's doing really bad. My mom just called yesterday and said that they had to put him on life support. Also yesterday I got an e-mail from my great aunt Helen in Alabama, who wrote that my great uncle Norman is also in the hospital, and probably won't make it out. To top it all off, my dad's girlfriend has recently found out that she's got serious heart problems. Yeah, my world's not exactly cheerful right now. -sigh- I'd appreciate it if you'd all keep my relatives in your thoughts and prayers, it would mean so much to me! I'm praying that they all get well soon. Anywho, I would like to thank my lovely reviewers, THANK YOU to _Dear Avie_ (thanks a lot, you are always so kind, and I see that you've updated your limmericks! Huzzah! I'll go read them after this! And yes, sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't!), _Blue Autumn Sky_ (thanks so much, and yes, your assumptions are correct! You'll see the explaination later, hope you enjoy!), and _Rak_ (thanks, I try to be humorous occasionally, lol!) Also thank you to all of you who have reviewed my other stories! I'd like to take this opportunity to advertise my other stories that have been updated semi-recently! I have written yet again another Pirates of the Caribbean songfic, _**Christmas in the Caribbean**_, and I've also updated my Prof. Snape story, _**Love Potion Number 9**_, it's up to chapter 4 now, go read it! Snape and Lupin make a daring escape from the mob, only to be chased on brooms, how exciting! Anywho, I'm gonna go and let you guys get on with the story, finally! 'Til next we meet! And as always, please review! I never get many, why oh why do I not get reviews? Please review, it would brighten up my otherwise un-cheery and depressing day! I know people are reading, I'm on their favorite's list and author alerts, but they never leave a single review! I think that's just rude!_

_Disclaimer: I own the hair monster, and I think that's about it... Oh yeah! I also own everything else, it's just that no one else knows it, muahahahahahaha -large men in orderlie uniforms come and put Lil into a straight jacket and take her to the 'Happy Hotel'- Okay, so I don't own it! Let me go! Hey, nice bouncy padded room, fun-Lil happily occupies herself with bouncing back and forth off the walls, leaving you readers to the story-

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**Adventures In Gimli's Beard!  
**A Rescue Misson for Gandalf

Chapter 4

The sounds of the nearby scuffle awaken Eomer, and he hurries to his friend's aid quickly! The man jumps up and pulls the psychotic creature away from Legolas, allowing the previously asphyxiated elf to breathe. They draw their blades and then turn to face it, but the figure is quick and had already unsheathed its sword and was now brandishing it at them with blind fury! "Who are you and what do you want?", Eomer yells to it!

The figure charges towards them, screaming, "Rum! Where'd ya put the blessed rum, Will?" "There's no one named Will here, and we have no rum!", Legolas says as they dodge the screeching thing's attacks. "I know you have it, Will! Don't lie to me! We're old pals, remember? You tell me where it is, you scurvy dog, or I'll gully ya fer sure!", it replies.

The creature looks towards the fire and sees the remains of the barrel that Smeagol wore burning. It screams and runs towards the flames, hands outstretched. "You burned the RUM!", the thing cries in despair, and then sadly collapses.

Our heroes carefully approach it, and we finally see that it is a man, a rather creepy and strange looking man. Passed out, he is no danger to them, so they disarm him, shave his back, make some rope out of the hair, and tie his hands and feet together. Aww, he's as snug as a psychotic bug in a rug! Eomer then goes back to sleep, leaving our cowardly elf to stand watch once more.

A while later, their prisoner starts to wake up so Legolas goes over to him. "Will," says the man, "What in the blazes did you do to your hair? And why did ye burn the rum?" He struggles to free himself, but the ropes are too tight. "I do not know this Will person, my name is Legolas Thranduilion.", the elf tells him, "And as I have said before, we have no rum. We never did. That burning barrel contained only Smeagol."

"What's a Smeagol?", asks the bound man, "Is it some sort of alcoholic beverage?" "No," laughes Legolas, "Smeagol is that thing." He points to his sleeping comrade, and the man gasps! "Great gallopin' galleons!", he exclaims, "What on earth is that hideous creature? It looks like a rabid squirrel on crack!" The watchelf shrugs, he doesn't know exactly what Smeagol is either.

"Listen, would you mind untying me, mate?", the man asks, "I promise not to go crackers again! It's just that I was all by me onesies 'cause Will went and got 'imself lost with me rum! I've been without rum for a whole week!" Legolas pities the poor insane man and unties him, also sharing with him some food and water. He eats as if he hasn't had a bite in days, which he probably hasn't seeing as how you really don't want to eat whatever you find in the beard.

The grateful pirate introduces himself as Captain Jack Sparrow, and explains that his mutinous crew had somehow marooned him here. He asks the elf if he's seen a man who looks just like him, but less feminine. Legolas replies that they haven't and asks Jack if he's seen an old geezer, possibly with another man. He hasn't either, so they really weren't making much progress with the search. The scruffy man offers to help them look for their friend if they help him look for his, and so we have a new traveling companion, Huzzah!

Soon, Eomer and Smeagol awaken and everyone is introduced to everyone else. They all eat and continue their journey, with trusty cameraman Eomer back behind the camcorder. However, it was bound to happen sooner or later, and it's sooner. Our company hasn't been walking very long yet when they come to a fork in the road. They need to decide which way to go, and someone suggests that they flip Smeagol for it. Despite his protests, he is thrown into the air, and joyfully lands on his feet. That means they go right!

While traipsing about through the facial hair, they still are finding many strange things in the beard, including, to Jack's utter elation, a bottle of tequila! Drinking it happily, he accidentally spills a small amount onto the ground. All of a sudden, the hair absorbs the alcohol and starts moving! It grows into the shape of a huge mouth with fangs and starts growling! Legolas screams like a little girl and runs to hide behind Eomer. The two men try to cut it with their swords, but their blades have no effect! It's like the creature from the Beard Lagoon or something! Soon it begins to crawl towards them, chomping hungrily!

Smeagol, like the good little whatever he is, then remembers something and reaches into his bag. He pulls out something large and green, it's a super-soaker filled with Nair! He sprays the mutated beard creature with it and the thing gives a shriek before melting into a puddle with smoke around it like the Wicked Witch of the West. Smeagol then flips the gun around his finger and blows on the end of it like an old cowboy movie star before putting it away. The others cheer and congratulate him for saving their lives, he's a hero!

Happily, they continue on their way, Legolas denying that he had screamed like a little girl and hid. Our pirate friend is now much more mindful of his drink after that little episode, and makes sure that it stays away from the hair.

Then they come across a maze-like place made out of hair where there are many twists and turns and several paths to choose from. "Should we flip the bald squirrel thing on crack again?", Jack asks, eyeing Smeagol, who looks frightened. "Let's just pick one!", suggests Eomer, and they do so.

Choosing the middle path, our heroes venture forth into the maze. Each time they come to another split, they just randomly choose another direction. Round and round they go, where they are nobody knows, for they have now gotten themselves quite irreversibly lost. "We don't likes this one bit!", says Smeagol, looking around at the walls of hair, "It's darks and creepy!"

Just then, a terrifying roar fills the air and then the ground starts to shake! They are pondering what it could be when the source of the noise steps in front of them, blocking their way! What in the beard could it be?

Is it another crazy pirate?

Is it another monster made of hair?

Is it the Boston Red Sox?

You'll find out in the next exciting chapter of…dun dun da dun… **Adventures In Gimli's Beard!**


End file.
